WifeyPoo
by NothingFromNowhereImNoOneAtAll
Summary: Matt was frustrated. Mello had ticked him off, so what does he do? Right. Get revenge by saying that Mello is a girl. And not only that, but his wife, no less. Rated for Matt's.. colorful language.


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Teeehehehehehe... I've been wanting to post this for so long! And finally, I'm able to!

The normal disclaimer applies: I do NOT own Death Note. If I did, I would clearly not be writing fanfiction about it- I'd be making this stuff REAL, people.

No, this does not contain yaoi content. If there are hints of it, it is purely jokingly. No boy-love in this story. Sorry, guys!

Thanks for reading, and please review!

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"Wifey-Poo"

Matt groaned, slamming the door of his beat-up Chevelle shut. Not even bothering to lock it (who in their right mind would want a crappy, faded red car that belonged in the metal shop, with cigarette butts littering the floor, no less?), he adjusted his orange-tinted goggles and walked (much to his chagrin) into the convenience store.

Damn Mello and his stupid chocolate obsession.

And it wasn't as if a regular Hershey's bar would do. Oh no, that was just much too _lowly_ for Mr. "Ass-Kicking-Mafia-Boss-Ask-No-Questions-And-Do-What-I-Command" Mello. He was craving a particular kind of chocolate. Today, he only wanted a certain brand, a certain type of his stupid chocolate that was probably too damn expensive for Matt to buy. He even got particular about the fucking percent of milk used to make it.

Chocolate was just chocolate in Matt's eyes. But, _no_, Mello just had to get all specific and shit.

God, sometimes, Mello was just like a prissy, pregnant woman- mood swings and cravings to match.

Opening the dirty glass door (the shop was typical of one in Los Angeles- not taken care of, but still necessary), the redhead let out a heavy sigh. He hated being Mello's little shopping lackey. Being his 'assistant' wasn't nearly as bad. Hell, being called Mello's 'cohort' was practically a royal title. But not _lackey_; not his _minion_. But especially troublesome was the fact that the blond knew what the hell he wanted in the first place; _not_ the redheaded gamer. It may have just been this stupid _chocolate_ business, though… even _with_ instructions, Matt couldn't read Mello's freaking mind; didn't know how to tell the 'good chocolate' from the 'bad chocolate'.

But such is life.

Matt made straight for the assorted candy aisle, knowing that the sooner he found Mello's stupid chocolate, the sooner he could get the hell out. That was, of course, after he bought his cigarettes. It wasn't as if Mello was going to be the only one with his craving satisfied.

Browsing through all of the different bags and blocks and bars of chocolate, he tried his best to remember exactly what kind the mob boss had requested. Or, rather, had demanded. You never could get too friendly with Mello.

It seemed like hours, days, even, that the redhead spent in the same _freaking_ aisle. He scoured the shelves, examining every single package or chocolate item that he could find. He read every ingredient label, every brand name, every nutrition fact imprinted on every package.

Matt, expectedly, got pretty damn tired of this after a while.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity of searching for one elusive object, he found it: what Mello had been asking for (or, again, rather, demanded, but Matt wasn't getting into the fine details right now). It was a large purple package of dark chocolate, the right brand and right milk density. And Matt found himself in luck: there were three packages, so Mello couldn't bitch about not having enough.

Now, Matt, for one, was never the religious type like his blond friend, but at this point, he was ready to put his hands in the air and start singing "Hallelujah". But he restrained himself. Who ever saw a redhead gamer wearing goggles, a striped shirt, furry vest and combat boots praising the Lord like in the middle of a Sermon? And in a gas station convenience store, no less?

He swiftly snatched up three of the purple packages, as if someone behind him was trying to get to them first. Matt wore a proud smirk of satisfaction upon his lips. Now Mello could get off of his back with his 'withdrawal symptoms', and the redhead could get back to playing his Halo in peace.

He started walking towards the checkout counter, behind which stood a wall of cigarettes. Oh, thank God. Now all Matt had to do was show his ID, get his nicotine, pay, and get the hell out. The ordeal was over.

…Or so he thought.

Just as he approached the counter, smiling sweetly at the (admittedly, slightly ditzy) platinum blonde cashier with heavy mascara, his cell phone rang (the Mario Theme, to be precise). Quickly setting down his the chocolate on the green counter with a slightly apologetic look at the cashier, he took his phone out, flipping it open. "Yo," he answered casually, one gloved hand in the pocket of his tan fur-lined vest.

"Matt, listen, I've changed my mind. I don't want dark chocolate- I want something else."

And the world stopped freaking turning- Matt would have sworn upon a stack of Mello's freaking Bibles.

The gamer stayed silent for a moment, mouth slightly agape, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him, or if the blond was stark-raving _mad_. After a long moment of uncomfortable silence, the redhead answered with a short laugh, praying that the former option was true, "Ha, okay, Mell. Seriously, what?"

The blond groaned loudly on the other line. "I just said it, you dolt," he replied sharply. "Listen next time. I said that I changed my mind. I don't want dark chocolate today. I want something else- you know, it's Austrian and they have the little truffle things. I want those- I'm more in a milk chocolate type of mood."

The gamer was rendered utterly speechless. He had spent _forever_ looking for Mello's chocolate, had _finally_ found it, and the blond wanted something _completely_ different. "You're fucking kidding me," he muttered darkly.

Matt could almost hear Mello rolling his eyes. "Why would I be kidding about chocolate, you moron? And what's taking so damn long?"

"I've been looking for your stupid--!"

"No excuses," the mob boss said, cutting off an indignant Matt's explanation. "Just hurry the hell up."

And with that, Mello hung up.

Matt just stood there, anger brewing and bubbling in the depths of his usually very calm and care-free mind. With a sharp exhale, he snapped he phone shut, storming back off to the candy aisle. And, just as expected, the stupid truffles were the first thing that Matt had set eyes on when he first got _in_ the damn store. He violently snatched up a few packages with his gloved fingers, his heavy black boots thudding against the cheap linoleum floor as he furiously walked back to the cashier.

He must have fucking loved the blond, or _something_, if he was going through this without voicing his rage.

He practically slammed the packages to the counter, startling the cashier (who had also been looking on the redhead's phone conversation with great interest). He pushed aside the chocolate that he had gotten for Mello previously, glaring at the violet packages.

Stupid fucking goddamn _Mello_.

He sighed, looking up to the wall of cigarette cartons in front of him. "This and two packs of Salem," the gamer said acrimoniously.

"I'll need to see some ID, please," the cashier said, her high-pitched voice surprisingly energetic.

Matt reached into his back pocket, pulling out his beat-up leather wallet. Flipping it open, he showed his driver's license to the girl, a scowl forming on his face.

The cashier nodded, turning to get the cigarettes he wanted. "Thank you, Mr. Coppersmith."

Fake IDs- they worked every time.

Matt tried to force a smile as she began ringing up the items he was buying. Chocolate and cigarettes- what a pair. He brushed some red hair out of his orange-tinted view, adjusting his goggles as he leaned against the counter, crossing his arms and letting out an exasperated sigh.

The cashier looked at him, raising a dark, pencil-thin eyebrow. She was chewing a piece of bubble gum audibly; her platinum blonde hair was tied up in a bun. A lime green headband sat upon her head. "May I ask what's wrong?" she asked sweetly.

But not too sweetly, the gamer surmised. It wasn't that normal sickly-sweet tone that many other waitresses and cashiers seemed to give him, obviously trying to flirt with him. It was a bit creepy just how many girls in Los Angeles tried to seduce a geek with fiery red hair. But, again, such is life.

Matt, deciding to be polite, picked up his head, adjusting his goggles. "It's the wife," he said conversationally. "I love her to death, but God, she can be a handful sometimes."

It was when the cashier (Penny, her name was; Matt noticed it printed on her name tag) slightly squealed that Matt fully realized just what he had said. He'd just called Mello his _wife_.

…Which, admittedly, wasn't all that uncommon. It _was_ the redhead's nickname for his violent blond companion. Sometimes, it really did feel as if the two friends were married: Matt was the 'lazy' husband who apparently couldn't go anything right, and Mello was the snappy and prissy wife who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Matt referred to Mello as 'the wife' all the time, but only to himself. Matt _never_ called Mello anything but 'Mello' or 'boss' while in public, for fear of ruining his well-established reputation. If Mello ever found out about the flowery pet name… Matt almost visibly shuddered at just the thought.

"Oh my goodness, you're married?" Penny asked, her reaching an octave higher, pastel green eyes sparkling. "That's so cute! No guys your age want to even commit to a steady _girlfriend_, let alone get married! That is so adorable! What's her name?"

So now, the cashier thought that A) Matt was married, and B) that Mello was his wife. Which meant that she thought that Mello was a _girl_.

Matt smirked. He could _definitely_ have some fun with this.

"Mel," the gamer answered, grinning proudly as he straightened up from his slump on the dull green Formica countertop. "Actually, 'Mel' is just short for Melody."

Melody- a wonderfully feminine name that somehow complimented Mello while horribly contradicting him. If Matt knew anything about his friend, it was that he was _not_ pretty and carefree as some stupid freaking _melody_. And, of course, that's what Matt had intended all along.

Ah, this was great, and the redhead was barely just getting started.

Penny, the cashier, seemed to squeal yet again, her bright eyes sparkling as she wore an excited smile. Matt guessed that she was what one would call a 'hopeless romantic'; someone who, no matter what the situation, became absolutely giddy at the very mention of love.

But as far as the redhead was concerned, a 'hopeless romantic' was exactly what he needed to blow off some steam right now.

"That's such a pretty name!" she said, scanning the first of the packages of chocolate for 'Melody'. Her eyes glittered happily, as if silently asking him to go into more detail about the wonderful 'girl' he was talking about.

Matt all-too happily obliged. With a soft laugh, he said, "Yeah. And, she's so beautiful, too. She's really fair-skinned with golden blonde hair that falls past her shoulders, and her eyes are ice-blue, you know? Gorgeous and breathtaking." He grinned, resting his head upon his hand, as if dreaming of 'her'. Whether or not Matt was being serious about calling Mello gorgeous, he wasn't entirely sure. But he was having too much fun to analyze his thoughts now.

Actually, it was a bit scary how easy it was to tell others that Mello was a girl. Maybe he had joked about it so much in his head, so it came naturally from his tongue.

But, again, Matt wasn't exactly preoccupied with self-psychoanalysis at the current time or place.

"It is so _sweet_," Penny said, clearly enthralled, "how you go on about her and describe her so poetically. It's so hard to find someone that dedicated! Melody is one lucky girl!" She picked up another red package of chocolate with her neon-orange fingertips, quickly scanning it as she reached for another. "So, how exactly did you meet?"

The redhead smiled in return. This was _perfect_. Not only did he get to have some fun by teasing Mello, but the blond would _never_ know about it. Matt wasn't third in line to succeed L for nothing. "Actually, Mel and I met when we where kids," he said, entertaining the cashier. "We grew up together. We went to the same boarding school and had a lot in common. Actually, we were pretty much inseparable." He ran a gloved hand through his fiery red hair, adjusting it so it didn't fall in front of his orange-tinted goggles.

And as far as he was concerned, Matt was telling the whole-hearted truth (or at least a version of it). He and Mello _were_ inseparable during their days at Wammy's House. They actually _were_ the dedicated and close friends that would have done anything for each other. To be honest, their entire 'tale' of friendship could easily be warped into one of an epic romance.

And that was working perfectly to the gamer's advantage.

Penny was completely enthralled. Her green eyes widened, taking in every one of the redhead's words, like a little girl being told an epic story of beautiful princesses and heroic princes. (Whether or not Matt was 'heroic prince' material, he didn't know. But he was happy enough to stick Mello with the 'beautiful princess' label.) The cashier had even stopped scanning the items that Matt was buying; two red packages of chocolate sat unchecked upon the cheap counter.

The redhead continued. "But then, when we were fifteen, she left. She just left- no note or anything." He sighed, looking down at the ground from behind his orange-tinted goggles. "She never even said goodbye." Matt wasn't one for fluff and angst, but the memories of Mello leaving him behind when they were fifteen still burned too deeply to talk about openly and freely.

Quickly, before he could get too distracted, he thought once again of his ultimate goal: to get his revenge on the caustic blond. The one who was being painted as a freaking chick right now. And just like that, his happy demeanor returned… with just a hint of sadism.

The cashier let out a mixture of a gasp and a sad sigh. "Oh, that's so horrible! You poor thing! Why'd she leave?"

Seeing as how the only way he could _really_ explain the situation to the girl was by killing her soon afterwards, Matt defaulted to something that Mello taught him how to do when they were kids.

He lied.

"Family," he said simply. He let out a sigh, quickly formulating the rest of his and 'Melody's' 'history'. "It tore me apart. But as soon as I graduated from school, I chased her down."

Another lie. Actually, Matt had set out to _forget_ Mello… but that was a story for another day. Again, Matt wasn't one for angst. Besides, it would have ruined the sappy story that he was setting up.

The cashier smiled, her white teeth glittering as she let out a squeal of delight. "So you met up with her again?" she asked excitedly (as though she didn't already know the answer). "You saw her again, right?" She looked at him pleadingly, slightly nodding her head, not so subtly encouraging him to answer.

Matt smiled, his emerald eyes sparkling behind his orange-tinted goggles. "Yes. I finally spent countless months of asking and searching to do it, but I finally found her."

"Aw!" Penny squealed, her heavy black lashes meeting each other happily as she smiled. "That's so sweet! So then what happened? Did you meet her? Did she recognize you?"

"Well, I called her. The first time I heard her voice, my heart stopped. She was exactly the same. But yeah, she actually recognized my voice too. So I asked her to meet me," (in actuality, it was _Mello_ who asked to meet _Matt_. But that was mostly because he had blown half his face off and needed help. Matt decided to skip over this little detail). "When I saw her, after five years, my breath caught in my throat. She was so beautiful and so perfect in every way, even more so than we were kids- like an angel sent from Heaven itself standing there before me. We immediately reconnected- found our love to be just as strong as ever, if not even stronger. Within the next week, I asked her to marry me." Matt smirked. Damn, with all the crappy, cheesy, and sappy love mush that he was throwing at the girl, he could be a romance novelist. Even he had to admit that he was getting pretty poetic about the subject.

"Oh my _gosh_!" the cashier squeaked, her voice nearly hurting Matt's ears. He could have sworn that only a few other humans could hear her- her pitch was usually only understood by dogs. "That is _so_ romantic!! You usually only hear about that in movies! But this came _true_ for you two! Oh my gosh, that is so _cute_!"

Matt smiled, though not because of the cashier's giddiness. His revenge was achieved. If it wouldn't have ruined the great lie he had just built up, he would have started cackling evilly. He quickly decided against it- he could do that when he left. "Yeah. I'm so unbelievably blessed to have her. And we've been married for almost a year now."

Another thought struck the redhead. With a smirk, he decided to make his story even _sappier_. Mello deserved it. "Actually, our anniversary is next week."

Penny seemed to nearly choke on her gum. "Really?! Just a week? You, like, just_ have_ to get her something! Though I'm sure you already did, I mean. You seem like the type to do that. But something _big_, you know? Like… like a manifestation of your love!" (To Matt's surprise, the cashier actually knew that word. She smiled, as though proud to use it, showing off her vocabulary skills).

The gamer laughed, leaning over on the counter again. "Don't worry- I'm getting her something. Something that's she's always wanted, actually." Penny's eyes widened, an unvoiced plea for him to elaborate. With a crooked grin, Matt said, "I'm getting her a kitten."

Penny let out a loud, "Awwwww!" before (finally) picking up another red package of 'Melody's' chocolate. "A kitten?" she asked as she quickly scanned the item, placing it in a plastic bag. "How cute! Is she a cat person?"

Matt once again resisted the almost overwhelming urge to grin wickedly. "Yes. She loves cats. She absolutely adores them. Me, I'm more of a dog person, but I'd do anything for her."

In actuality, Matt had been the one practically begging Mello to get a cat. The redhead was a cat person (they cleaned themselves, slept all day, and ate birds- awesome, right?), but the blond always said no. Mello always said that a pet would be 'too much of a hassle'.

And besides, who ever heard of a Mafia boss taking care of a cat named 'Mr. Fluffy-Wuffy Toes', or something like that? Though Matt had tried his best to tell Mello that in The Godfather, Marlon Brando had a cat, the blond simply refused to comply with the gamer's pleading.

So, naturally, Matt just _had_ to tell the cashier that Mello wanted a cat. It was practically the law of revenge.

"That is so sweet of you," Penny said, bringing Matt out of his dream-like trance of vengeance and back into the real world. "I'm sure she'll love it." With a huge smile, she finished scanning the rest of the chocolate, ringing up a total. "And by the way, that'll be thirty-six dollars and eighty-one cents."

Matt groaned inwardly, plucking a few bills from his leather wallet. Did Mello just _have_ to buy in bulk? His wallet was practically bleeding dry because of the blond.

He then decided that he needed one more thing. Just one more element to his secret revenge. No matter how much crap Mello had secretly taken, the high price of the chocolate demanded that he receive just a bit more torture.

"You know," the gamer said with a smirk adorning his lips as he handed the money over, "I've also been thinking about telling Mel what _I _want for our anniversary." Penny raised a thin eyebrow, taking the cash with her fluorescent orange fingertips. She began to get Matt's change from the cash drawer, still shooting him that glance, a silent plea to get him to talk. Matt took a deep breath and said a few words that he _never_ thought he would ever say.

To anyone.

_Ever_.

"I want to have kids."

Matt cringed (in the most polite manner possible, mind you. But it was still a cringe) as the cashier let out an ear-piercing shriek of delight, managing to drop Matt's change on the counter. She looked exuberant- Matt got the feeling that she, a stranger, would be more excited about the redhead wanting kids with his 'wife' than even his own 'wife' would. It was a bit weird, really, but Matt let it slide.

"I can't believe it! You _never,_ ever, ever, _ever_ hear about guys who want kids!" she squealed again, picking up the redhead's change; her hands were shaking wildly in glee. "You are so sensitive! Melody is _so_ lucky to have you!"

Matt smiled, sincerely hoping that she wasn't attempting to flirt with him. She didn't seem like she would, but the 'sensitive' comment put him on his guard. "Thanks," he said, receiving his change and depositing it into his wallet. "But she's not lucky to have me. _I'm _lucky to have _her_."

Sure, the gamer was milking this moment for all that it was worth. But this was _revenge_ he was talking about. And to Matt, no vengeance could be possibly more perfect than lying about Mello's gender, falsifying their tale of 'romance' (the blond hated that fluffy, sentimental crap Matt wasn't exactly a fan of it either, but he could see its benefits), and, best of all, making it sound as though 'Melody' (who in reality was a hard-ass Mafia boss) might be popping out babies.

So the world _did_ love him after all.

Handing over the plastic bag with the chocolate and smokes, Penny continued smiling. This little story clearly had made her day, and the gamer was just happy to have someone as enthusiastic as his audience. Matt pocketed his wallet, taking the bag from the cashier and grinning back.

"I hope that you and Melody have a great anniversary!" she exclaimed as the redhead turned towards the door. "And it's so nice to hear something as sweet as that- I just know you two are going to make it! Good luck!"

Matt had one foot out the door, his heavy combat boot propping the door open. He turned, waving at Penny as he exited. "Thanks!" he called back. "And thanks for listening!"

With that, he left the convenience store, heading towards his red Chevelle. He opened the door, tossing the bag into the passenger's seat. Sitting down, he slammed the door shut. Matt swiftly went for the bag, taking out a pack of the smokes and quickly opening them, placing one white stick between his lips, lighting it.

He started his car, a smile playing on his lips. As the beat-up Chevelle backed up and out of the parking lot, Matt took a deep drag of his cigarette, letting out the laugh that he had been holding in for so long.

Good sweet freaking _Lord_, vengeance was sweet.

It wasn't long before he reached the apartment that he shared with Mello. It was pretty crappy, in Matt's opinion, run-down and dirty. But it was the best that they could afford with their shitty pay.

Actually, they could have been able to get a much nicer place, but Mello bought chocolate like it was going out of style, and Matt spent all his money on games and cancer sticks. So, of course, the redhead and the blond both decided to ignore this little... inconvenience.

The car door shut. Matt had the bag gripped tightly in his gloved hand as he fished in his pockets for his keys. Finding them, he stepped up to the cement entryway, his heavy boots kicking up the dust and dirt that had settled there. He swiftly unlocked the worn door, black paint chipping off of it as he pushed it open.

Mello was inside, sitting on the plush couch and typing away furiously on his laptop in an effort to get ahead on the Kira investigation. He looked up at the redhead, who had just closed the door behind him.

Mello's eyes narrowed into a dangerous glare. "What took you so fucking long? And where's my chocolate?"

Matt sighed. Of course, no loving welcome. He had half-considered walking into the house and yelling, á la Ricky Ricardo, 'Lucy! I'm hooome!" But he decided against it, knowing full well that the blond would just shoot him on the spot.

…That, and his Spanish accent was utterly horrible.

Matt crossed over to the couch, handing his best friend the bag (after removing his cigarettes, of course). "Here's your goddamn chocolate, Mell," he said irritably. "And be happy- that nearly cost me forty bucks. You owe me." He took a seat on another couch and pulled out his Nintendo DS from his pocket, starting it up.

Mello rolled his eyes as he tore one of the packages open. "It wouldn't have been forty bucks if you didn't buy your damn cancer sticks, Matt." He took a small, brown truffle, popping it in his mouth as he resumed his typing. "And stop playing your freaking video games. The Kira case won't solve itself, you know. Make yourself useful for once and do some work."

Matt sighed, turning off his game as quickly as he had started it up. He set it aside on the coffee table that was crowded with numerous papers and chocolate wrappers. Getting up, he adjusted his goggles, taking them off and setting them to rest on the top of his red, silky hair. His emerald eyes glanced over at Mello, his voice asking monotonously, "What do you want me to do?" He took another drag on his cigarette.

Mello let out an audible scoff. Glaring over at Matt, he said, "Do what you _always _do, Matt. Hack into the NPA's files- see if we missed anything. My God, you can be such an idiot sometimes…." He ran a gloved hand through his golden hair, fingers barely tracing the outline of the numb scar that spanned the left side of his pale face. Using the same hand, he pointed to a corner of the room with a shelf. "Your laptop's over there. And dear fucking Lord, Matt, you may have a death wish, but I don't want to die of lung cancer from your second-hand smoke. Put out the freaking cig." With that, the blond's blue eyes fixated on the computer screen yet again.

As Matt crossed over to the shelf on the other side of the room, he smiled. Typical Mello- bossing him around like an over-controlling wife. Shit, all the blond needed was a freaking leash for the gamer, and he could say that he _did_ own him. He picked up the computer, carrying it over to the couch, grinning all the way.

The blond raised an eyebrow, noticing Matt's happy demeanor. "What the hell, Matt? Stop smiling like that. You're freaking creeping me out."

With a huge grin, Matt raised his head to look at Mello, fiery red hair falling into his glittering emerald eyes. "Whatever you say, Wifey-Poo."

The clacking of the keyboard from Mello's couch instantly ceased. The blond was clearly taken aback; his jaw dropped ever so slightly, cold eyes widening in shock. He slowly turned to face Matt, his ice-blue eyes narrowing into dangerous slits. "Matt," he said slowly, his voice dripping with venom. "I'm going to shoot you in the fucking face."

"I love you too, Snookums."

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**_A/N:_** Dude, I thought that up _how_ long ago? I've been itching to finish it for a while, but something always came up that interfered with it.

So here it is. YAY!

Dude... probably because I'm straightedge, but you have NO CLUE how frustrating it was trying to look up what kind of cigarettes Matt would like. I finally settled for Salem because Marlboro seems too... universal, and I just liked the name. Other than that, I'm like "...what does 'menthol-tipped' have to do with anything!?"

Haha, me with my obliviousness 8D.

And yes, I am considering a shonen-ai-containing sequel to this. It'd be called "Matty-Kins"- Basically, since Mello is "Wifey-Poo", why can't Matt have an embarrasing pet name, too? However, this is probably not going to be out for a while- I've got a lot of other stuff that I'm thinking of working on, so I just need to prioritze everything.

But thank you so, SO much for reading! PLEASE let me know what you think! Press the pretty little button, and Matty-kins will buy you chocolate!!

Thank you!!


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